"Honey, do you remember that sticky hand that you bought me outside the K-Mart?"

"You mean the one that you throw on paper and stuff and it picks it up?"

"Yeah," he sighs as he turns his head away in deep thought about how to just say it.

"Well for the longest time I thought that this hand," pulling out a clear vending machine toy egg, "was the symbol for our love and our relationship. You gave it to me as a gift. Unexpectingly, and graciously. I accepted it and loved it. Just as I told everyone how happy you made me, I spread that sticky hand about everywhere. I shouted my love for you from the mountains and stuck the sticky hand to the kitchen ceiling." He pauses once more and collects his thought, if this is going to be done smoothly he can't loose it now.

"That hand slapped a lot of things and it pulled a lot of paper off of various surfaces, but over time it got weaker and weaker. The dirt began to stick to it. The dust drained it's power away. It wouldn't stick to anything after awhile."

The look in her eye and the direction of her gaze began to reflect just what it was that he was getting at.

"Just like our love," he continued. "It started out strong but over time the stress wore down the love and the small fights began to stick to our minds an took over the power that we once held between us."

One tear and then two, three...they all began to fall down her cheek. She knew he was right.

"Honey, this hand will always represent who I am and the many things that you gave me throughout our relationship. But to be honest, I have found someone new. Someone who showed me how to clean the sticky hand so that it's power is even stronger than before. When she first showed me how easy it was to take the hand in my hand and with just a little mild detergent and warm water clean it and make it new all over again...it was...just beautiful. I've learned how to love again and she has shown me."

Silence.

"Honey, please talk to me. Please."

She takes a quiet sniff and simply says.

"She can have you and your dirty little hand. The soap wears down the rubber. I knew that it would clean it, but I didn't think that it would be right to take anything away from who you are. You can clean the hand all you want, but soon enough there won't be anything left to throw around. Good bye."

Today I was teaching a class about Bob Dylan. I have a whole class devoted to the man. Don't really know why. Love his music, not a fan of the person though. However I thought that after I had gotten the nice scrapbook, DVD, and the CD from the recent "No Direction Home" marketting blitz I would have enough material to run a simple class for a few months.
Well it has worked pretty well for the past few weeks and it shows few signs of slowing...however my point was to tell you all what this mornings revelation was.
Here it is: some of you know the story of Bob Dylan as well as I do, but the thing that hit me this morning was the actual desire (emotion not album) that the man had at the age of 19.
Bob Dylan was from a small town outside of Duluth, Minnesota. After graduating from High School he went to North Dakota for a bit and then off to Minneapolis for college. There he found Woody Gutherie and eventually got the notion to take off to New York city. Not even 20 he left during a blizzard and hitchhicked to New York. Thus launching his musical career.
After teaching this little bit for about twenty minutes I began to ask the students what their passions were...one had another student translate "he wants to be a translator." Another wants to open a traditional Bed and Breakfast.
As we went around the room I kept thinking, "what's my passion?" I've picked up everything, sacrificed a great deal, and still I haven't gained a whole lot. Bob Dylan went to New York in December of 1960 and was playing Carnegie by November of 1961.
Sacrificing personal things and relationships isn't that trying to me. It's just the reason for the sacrifice that I don't understand. Theoretical benefits is all I know and even now, as my time over here comes to an end, I'm starting to tally them all up in an effort to rationalize my time...and lack of growth.

"To not live an ordinary life" is the only passion I can remember having. This is all I desire and all that I crave. However I have been left with the feeling that just about everything and everywhere is ordinary once you get there.

I talk to Larry everyday...

Recently I have had to face some tough choices, many of which I still have not answered. It was about two months when I woke up and had this extreme feeling of loneliness and despair. I had been reading a book by the French author Celine the night before and I have to admit that I think that effected me as I slept. The book is about a young man who keeps finding himself in horrible situations to which his only solution is to run away...and not in the noble "I'll take the higher road" kind of way but more in the "ignore it and it isn't there" sense of reality.
So anyway I woke with the sense that my problems were too great and that it was most likely time to run out on 'em. Which I would have loved to do, but as it is I had a class to teach. Plus my bags were not packed and I had laundry yet to do and, as much as my hygiene is not the best, I do hate the smell of dirty clothes packed into a suitcase.
Off to class I went with a paper cup of coffee and a horrible attitude to boot. This was most likely going to be one of those "talk amongst yourselves" kinda days; which, by the way, usually end up in awkward silence with a twist of food talk when the buzzing in my ears sets in from the dull quiet.
First period went off without a hitch or a buzz. As I sat in my paneled box truck like classroom I again got that feeling of abysmal pressure and lowness pushing down on my shoulders whilst my feet tapped and my legs said "lets go!" While dreaming of backpacking some great foreign country I swivelled around in my chair and turned on the t.v.
CNN, escape indeed. I proceeded to zone off into the infomercials and slowly nodded away...while my neck swiveled back and forth like a piano pendulum my attention was suddenly gripped and I sat forward to the sound of a thousand trumpets, or perhaps a synthesizer or two.
His eyes caught me while I wasn't looking, but when I noticed they pierced into my soul with their square and outdated frames. His jowls began to shake and from between them came the words I will never forget, "It's been a while dAnny."
I closed and quickly jerked open my eyes, "is Larry King talking to me?"
Gentle yet stern his glare was unjaded by my question. He did begin to settle into a smile and for a moment froze on the screen, maybe my satellite connection, not too sure it just happens from time to time. But this time it seemed to last at least...a little less than eternity, but not quite as long as forever, maybe a bit shy of a lifetime, however definitely more than a "sec"...I'd say about two minutes tops.
When the picture did finally catch up to the broadcast I saw that he was indeed not talking directly to me, but actually to the once great actor ANDY Griffith. The names do sound alike though. Beyond that though I fell into my little state again and could barely even summon the muster to care about the death of Barney (Don Knotts: RIP).
I sat inattentive not seeing, not caring, not nothing but something far deeper and less of it. I heard some talk about moving on to Anderson Cooper 360 and it dawned on me that it was almost time for second period. No rest for the wicked and dumb 'eh. I sat up in my chair and gathered my papers about on the desk and, with remote in hand, was just about to turn off the t.v. when again the square framed eyes of eyes were focused on only me and he simply said "good night and thanks for watching. Oh and if you get a chance try and talk to me sometime soon. I know you need the help. Now onto Anderson in New York". And with that he faded away.
As the day wore on I couldn't forget his last words, "talk to me tonight". Maybe it wasn't really Larry King, perhaps it was the almighty working through Mr. King. He is an open kinda guy, always having representatives of the many different world religions on his program. I always thought that he was Jewish...is it okay to ponder his being a Jew?...either way, he was speaking to me, and it worked.
All day I saw his face everywhere I turned. My lunchtime sushi showed the reflection of his liver spotted skin. The wisps in the cloud contained elements of his grey hair. I saw a picture of a beautiful suspension bridge set against a blue sky and immediately thought of Larry's classy red suspenders and finely ironed blue shirt...white collar, white clouds. The whole day was one continuous revelation of his beauty and majesty. I saw Larry everywhere.
With my head spinning I went to bed a little earlier than usual. I couldn't get the days thoughts out of my head. I just lay there tossing and turning, half scared and half excited. Two parts colliding and unbelieving. Not knowing what to do I was drawn to my knees. Honestly it had been a long time.
As I kneeled on the floor I thought to myself what it was all about and why I had been chosen. Or perhaps why it was that I had chosen to pay attention this day. Why? The fundamental word we all use, young and old alike. Always wondering and looking for the answers to all of the things we don't know, we don't understand.
I poured my heart out to him, or to whoever was listening. I laid it all out on the line. Everything that had been bothering me I gave up in a prayer to God, Via Larry King. It was truly a lively experience.
After I had poured my heart, my problems, and my greatest desires out I was left in a ball on the floor. I tried to stand but instead decided to crawl back into bed. My head hit the pillow like one of the many clumps of dirt that had graced Barney's resting place earlier that day 6,000 miles away. A pile of ashes and dust settled for the night.
The next morning I awoke feeling a little lighter. Not completely healed, but a bit better. Miracles are a slow process.
First period went as usual, perhaps with a little more excitement on my part, because the end signified my time to turn back to Larry. The television turned on in mid comment and I found myself even more excited when I found out that the guest was Liza Mannelli, at least one person I know of who needs more help than me. Larry was just about to take a caller when something happened to phone line. It was at this point that I was given my second message from Larry. Turning slightly to the camera he gave that playboy smile and simply said, "Sorry about that caller. Sometimes these things can be difficult. I appreciate your call, but you will have to wait to get the answer to that question".
I grinned in appreciation. I had been acknowledged, perhaps I didn't get what I was looking for immediately, but I know that it's to come. Along with many other great things. I'll just have to keep on being a faithful watcher and eventually all things will be reveled.
Still though, I talk to Larry everyday.

Do you?

So these are the trends for weddings now a days...but first some nice pictures that you want to see...because it's just nasty at the end....

so awhile ago I said that I had a bunch of nice pictures for you all...well I do...and there is a nice story of hiking along an old railroad track, eating a nice picnic on a warm spring day while looking about at all of the cheery blossoms...but I don't have time for that crap. So here are the pictures...you illiterate folks would probably rather look at them then my lame writing...enjoy!











Yeah...so it was a little late in the evening and I was at a wedding all night and one thing led to another...what can I say, I know how they keep the marriage/population/childbirth rate down in this country...guess you could say that I was just "hell bend for leather..." that is sooo wrong...please forgive me mommy. So I always thought that Noriko kept an open mind and all...but no. She saw me off doing my thing and immediately jumped ship...so I went looking for her and found her off...spooning with one of my friends...Damn you Vince, stupid Irish and their enchanting black spoons...

So Michelle you want to know where the pictures of yours truly are...well here's one...just a little reminder of just how cool I am...



I thought that the black and white look added a little class...Remind you of a certain "Loverboy" by any chance?

What's new with you?

Well it has been a while. I hope that you all can forgive me. A lot has been happening; I have gotten a better idea of what I want to pursue after I finish over here. Nothin for sure but I am planning on applying for a scholarship to study at a Japanese graduate school. I will need a lot of help and a great many prayers, so if you can...assist with both 'eh. Enough about me...or actually why not more about me?
So you may be thinking, "what's going on in Japan right about now?" Well my friend, I can answer your inquires.
At the beginning of last month interport was held. Now for those of you that know me, you know that I have been playing a bit of rugby over here (see past posts about falling on deaf kids, scrapped up knees due to insufficient grass in Japan, or any other post for that matter). From my third day in the country until today I have been associated with the KR&AC, the club I play for. Now this here club has a bit of a history, about 135 years to be exact. It was one of two clubs, the other being the YC&AC (in Yokohama, Japan...the port outside Tokyo), that played the first ever organized sporting event in Japan...I believe that it was a soccer match, however that is not important. So anyway, the two clubs have gotten together just about every year since then to play their sports. This occurance actually happens twice a year, winter and spring, and it a hell of a lot of fun. Each gathering consists of three days of sports separated by a night of feasting and drinking...it was all started by sailors, and we all know how those fellas liked to drink. So yeah...this year's theme was "maritime" in honor of those before us that used to take the long trip between the two ports by boat...imagine that...about a two day boat ride just to play a bit of sport...dedication, of the likes I don't think I have...although it could have been a bit of fun...regardless this is going on too long, so screw the story and on with the pictures...first off, appropriately enough, we have my first mate and fellow prop "sensei"...

And then of course it wouldn't quite be a maritime party without a little wildlife...for that we went a little arctic, now I know that she can be a bit frigid, but even this hand made costume warmed my heart...

While we are usually a peaceful bunch many of the men thought that they would go the violent side...or maybe they were just inspired by the popularity of Johnny Depp and his own pirate side...either way, there was a massive amount of pirates, but only one really pulled it off with his rough yet suave demeanor...

Overall the party was a blast...wish I could say the same for the game itself...but sadly enough we were kicked in the stomachs...and various other parts...and subsequently were defeated 90-0. Oh well...honestly though...those guys were really good. Their team was made up of semi-professional and professional folks...or so we tell ourselves...either way it as a good game and all enjoyed the festivities.

Now on to the big boys...
The month of March also marks the return of sumo wrestling to the Kansai area (where I live). The Bashyo (two week tournament) came and went without too much of a fuss. No big upsets, the Mongolian Asashoryu (spelling could be way off...if you care look it up...sure wikipedia has something for ya) walked away with yet another tournament win...go him! The only big difference this year was that I attended. Now it's not too often that these things get the prescense of someone like me...at least on the spectator side that is. It was a lot of fun; not too much to say, you all are about as familiar with sumo as I am...maybe you know a little more or a little less, either way it's just a little. However I do want to comment that public events like this still blow my mind in Japan...only because you are allowed to go in with any food/drink that you want. Don't have to hide it or pay extra or anything...just walk in with your groccery bag and chilly bin and you're good to go. It's amazing...I only have a couple shots from the tourny...we had to sit pretty far away...but they aren't all that bad...
よし！



So yeah...that's about what I've been up to within the last month...it's been a lot of fun. I also took a really nice little day trip last weekend...and I do have a lot of pictures to share with you, but for now I am feeling a little tuckered out and think that I'll wait until next time to share all that with you. If I told you about it now it'd just be too much to write, too much for you to read, and then I wouldn't have anything to tell you about for the next month...so I'll see you soon and I hope that all is well...take care and much love!

this is a test and only a test...also this picture was taking over the weekend...I went hiking. It was fun. I shall have more to say about it and photos to go along with the aforementioned story...it will just take a little time to photoshop the pictures. Take care until then.

here ya go...

I found it in my e-mail. I would love to post more but the server at my school has been acting funny recently and I don't really care to know why...sorry...apathy has me by the short and curlies...however I do want to say that I am fine and that I have been thinking a lot about all of you lately. I want to thank Mike for the mind numbing tv and for Sarah & Brian for the great tunes...you have all made my life complete these past few difficult months. Thank you all.

On with the cut and pasted memo...
> It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now
> and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
> another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
> I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself but I knew it
> wasn't true.
> Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
> thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home.
> One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the
> meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
> I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
> don't mix but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at
> lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the
> office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly that we
> are doing here?"
> One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it
> hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
> If you don't stop thinking on the job, I'm going to have to let you
> go."
> This gave me a lot to think about.
> I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
> confessed, "I've been thinking..."
> "I know you've been thinking," she said, "Again! I want a divorce!"
> "But Honey, it's not that serious."
> "It is too serious!" she said, her lower lip aquiver. "You think as
> much as a college professor and they don't make any money! I refuse
> to let you do that to me!"
> "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
> She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood
> to deal with the drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I
> stomped out the door.
> I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
> into the parking lot with NPR blaring on the radio and ran up to
> the big glass doors. But they wouldn't open. The library was closed.
> To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
> that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling
> glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend,
> is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it read. You probably
> recognize that line. It comes from Thinkers Anonymous. Which is why
> I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
> I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-
> educational video. Last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
> experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I
> still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
> Life just seems... easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking.
> I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
> In fact, today I registered to vote Republican.

I hope to be back to you all in full form very soon...much love...danny...
ps: it's a little old...but i hope that you enjoy the picture...I played santa for a friend of mine...it's his old lady...

I know that it has been a while since you all have heard from me. Sorry about that. Things are getting back to normal out here in Japan. I have started teaching all of my regular classes as well as some extras...staying busy to say the least. Lets just hope that it all helps the cause.
So what else is crackin'? Not too much...I am starting to pull my hair out about what to do next...any ideas? Please drop them at the door...or via e-mail: dbaxelson@yahoo.com...don't be shy, I'm an open and honest kinda person and I respect your straight forward approach.
So I know that my personal life is a little boring...I would love to post some of the pictures that I took while on my trip, but I am afraid to report that the local server and my Mac are having a bit of a tift right now...but as soon as I get her up and running I will be sure to throw a few things your way...
I have to get running now and work on a presentation that I have to give on Monday...you know just a bunch of us professors gettin' together to discuss some things...ha! Not that I'm a real professor or anything...they just let me play in their reindeer games from time to time for fun...
Well I miss you all and hope that all is well!
Oh and last but not least: thank you so much to those of you that I was able to see when I was home. It was great to be able to relax and speak a bunch of english. I miss you and honestly am grateful. Your kindness amazes and warms me. To those of you that I did not get to see...I am very, very sorry. I was a little unsocial for most of the time that I was home. All of you were and are in my heart and I want you to know that there will always be a next time.
Thank you!

not too much to say...

"So this is Christmas...and a happy new year..." too bad Lennon was wrong and the war is not over, even though we all really want it too be.

So how was the Christmas? Good I hope. I can only hope that you got what you wanted and not what you deserved. Ha! Just kiddin'. No curses over your houses on my part. But I do have to say that Christmas in Japan this year was not all that bad.

Here's the short version: 24th Went to yaki-niku (grill your own meat, dip in sauce, repeat)...it was friggin' amazing. I had gone to this type of place before...but it being Christmas and all (the Japanese equivalant to Valentine's Day) I had to take the Lady Friend to a classy joint...so anyway, the meat was delicious (honestly, I don't want to say this, but it was like butter...so thinly sliced and deliciously marbled), the atmosphere was quite Japanese with a touch of Korea (yaki-niku is Korean by design)...overall an enjoyable evening...until the bill came.

25th: Went to the KR&AC (where I play rugby) and ate a wonderful Turkey and Ham dinner...with the fixin's...not quite homemade, but my stocking cap goes off to Simon for making all us foreigners feel at home...the day was accented with mulled wine (also delicious) and an afternoon/evening filled with 500 (a game a lot like Euchre or Spades...fantabulous)...my partner Pat and I won nearly 13 consecutive hands going undefeated for what seemed to about 2 hours...oh and I got a new rugby bag from Noriko...and socks, she's a t'inker

skipping ahead

December 31st: went to Noriko's parent's home...ate a big meal and drank Okinawan Sho-Chu...scary evening...went to Shinto Shrine/festival at 3 in the morning...a lot of fun...

Jan. 1-3: O-Shogotsu...Japanese holiday, much like Christmas...this is the time when the families all get together for three days of rest...traditionally the mother doesn't cook and everyone is allowed to sit about and watch t.v. specials...which I taped a great deal of...you don't have to know what they are saying to laugh...amazing stuff...over these fews days I slept, ate, and watched the tube...it was Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving being pushed into a solid three day stint...without the whole Jesus aspect though...no disrespect JC...just sayin'...

It was fun. But now it's over and I'm homesick. I really want to come and see all of you folks...that I'll see...or something like that...take care and I will there soon enough...sorry about the "..." I thought that it would an interesting touch...plus I've been reading Celine and he does it all the time...so I thought that I would give it a try...go ahead...you know you want to as well.............

On holiday now...

Okay folks...I have had a merry Christmas and will most definately enjoy New Year's eve...I have a huge party to go to. It's at Noriko's folks house...it's going to be the four of us. I will spent most of the night sweating around the Nabe pot...soon you all will understand.
Due to the fact that I am on holiday now I will most likely not be posting too much...unless I get ambitious. But the truth is that I will have no reason to go to my office and will therefore not have access to the computer. So in the meantime I will redirect you all to my Doppleganger. Take care and I will talk to you all soon. Happy New Year! 2006...year of the Dog. Yeah.

It's friggin' snowin' man...

It's Friggin' snowin' man!!! Now for those of you that don't know I haven't seen the white stuff since last time I was home...almost a year ago. By the way, I miss you...I miss you all. Except for you know who...I don't miss you at all. So anyways back to the snow. Let me describe it for you: it's white, kinda heavy, you know not quite frozen solid but more semi-permiable. It's nice. However it has worsened conditions and it will be difficult for me to get around on my bicycle...thus I must walk to and fro hither and tither. I'm not extremely happy about that...but then again there really is nothing that I can do.
Today is payday...which means that I have to go Christmas shopping. So what does everybody want? Huh what's that? OH wait, I'm not Santa...and to be honest me getting you a present (unless you are my family) has about the same chances as the actual Santa coming down your chimney. However, if you work for Iowa Student loans you may consider a small fraction of your Christmas bonus (if they even give you one) to be in part from your's truly. What can I say, someone has to keep the spirit of giving alive.
So this weekend is Christmas. I am going to do my best to stay preoccupied, but I will still be missing all of you Stateside...very, very much. However I do want to say that I hope you all have a wonderful time together this holiday season and that you all get what you want from the ones you love.
I miss you.
I love you.
And my prayers and thanks go out to you all.
As they say in Japan, "Happy Merry Christmas!!!"

...and you thought that Rosie and Ellen were in deep...

So you all may be wondering just what it is that I do most of the time over here in Japan...or you may not care...or you may already know. Either way I will tell you one thing that I have started to do lately...look for more of this guy:

It is pretty funny to watch and also helps me improve my Japanese language ability. よし！ That means...something like good! or okay! or yeah! you pick the expression and it fits. See I'm improving already. And to think, a lot of it has to do with my friend HG. I won't bore you with my perspective, I will instead copy and paste an even better opinion by a semi-legitimate guy (I don't really know the man).

Here goes...

How gei can one get? 'Pretend gay' is as far as it gets

By PHILIP BRASOR

"Talent," or tarento, is the cushiest job in Japan -- maybe in the whole world. Though you are expected to have some kind of skill (gei), once you achieve a level of regularity as a TV variety show guest, the work is self-perpetuating, though it's by no means guaranteed forever. And rarely do successful tarento have to actually demonstrate their skills. They just have to be themselves.
If comedy seems to provide the shortest route to tarento stardom, it is also the most crowded, and distinguishing oneself from the next chucklehead is becoming more and more of a challenge. That's why many of the comedians who've had the most TV exposure in the past few years aren't always comedians in the strictest sense. They're more like guys with gimmicks.

One such guy is Michael, who performs elaborate aerobic dance steps while smiling broadly and telling one-liners that are mostly pun-based. Another single-monikered funnyman is Hiroshi, a former host-club employee who dresses the part (tacky suit, open collar) and, with hands in pocket and gaze cast downward, frets about the injustices he suffers and the general pointlessness of life in a woebegone voice.

Michael, whose act is clever but limited in scope, will probably be no more than a memory a year from now. Hiroshi, however, is gaining in popularity, which is ironic as his act is premised on the idea that he's a failure in everything he does. Now, when he appears on a variety show, he isn't always expected to stick to the act, which means he's graduated to tarento status.

Success-wise, there are more Michaels in Japanese show-biz then there are Hiroshis, so it will be interesting to see what the future holds for Laser Ramon (Masaki) Sumitani, a guy-with-gimmick who made his broadcast debut only last February and since then has become one of the most talked-about personalities on Japanese television.

At the moment, Sumitani only appears on one show, TBS's Saturday night comedy program "Daibakuten" whose segments are mostly suggested by viewers. Apparently, Sumitani got on the show by actually requesting to see his own alter ego, Hard Gay, a hardbody dressed in stereotypical S-M couture: black-leather hot pants, tight sleeveless zippered leather jacket, Beatle boots, big motorcycle sunglasses, and a leather cap.

Sumitani performs acts of yonaoshi (social improvement) in his Hard Gay persona, which, in addition to the striking costume, incorporates a great deal of suggestive pelvic thrusting and periodic outbursts of "Woooo!", a cry of abandon that has become as much of a trademark as Crayon Shin-chan's mischievous nasal tones.

Sumitani's gimmick is juxtaposing two manifestations of attitude that, while not mutually exclusive, aren't normally placed together in the same thought: being a responsible citizen and being a homosexual libertine who can't control his libido. Thus, when he approaches an elderly woman in the Sugamo district of Tokyo and offers to carry her across the street, it looks very strange.

Many people reject Sumitani's offers and suggestions. The sight of him with his crotch bobbing up and down and fingers furiously unzipping his jacket to expose his perfectly smooth abs and pecs seems to turn a lot of people off. "Gross!" exclaims a bunch of Shibuya girls when he appears in front of them on Fathers Day and asks if they've properly thanked their dads for all the work they have done. He waylays a couple of punks nearby and, after putting out their cigarettes in his pants ("You're not supposed to smoke while walking"), gets one of them to call his father on Hard Gay's own cell-phone (the "gay-tai") right there and then.

Hard Gay's beyond-the-pale antics position him closer to the anime/manga species of characters than they do to his fellow comedians. The gay thing is so stylized that it's impossible to take it at face value. Bondage freaks who dress this particular way make up a subculture that seems as corny as the Village People's "Greatest Hits." He's a stereotype in appearance only.

But it's a resolute stereotype. Almost all the messages on the "Daibakuten" BBS are about Sumitani, and they're invariably approving. Everyone from 11-year-old kids to middle age salarymen love the guy, mainly because he works so hard at his "gei," a pun that everyone uses. On camera, Sumitani never sheds his Hard Gay persona, which is irrevocably positive. Even when people on the street flee his advances screaming in terror, he has a joke at the ready and an ecstatic cry of "Woooo!"

But can he take the Hard Gay gimmick further? So far, Sumitani hasn't appeared anywhere else on TV, either as Hard Gay or with his partner in the comedy duo Lazer Ramon, or with yet another partner in the comedy sketch group Big Porno, a stage act.

Hard Gay's appeal is in the way his character interacts with people on the street, so he may not have much to offer in a variety show setting, where people mostly sit around and talk. Last week on "Daibakuten," he broke out of the yonaoshi pattern and tagged along with former idol singer Hiromi Go (their initials match) before a concert in Nagoya, and while it was funny watching Go squirm as Sumitani cajoled him into spanking him with a whip and joining him in a "Hard Gay dance," it wasn't nearly as interesting as the yonaoshi segments. . . . It was simply a series of dumb gay jokes.

Which brings up another question. Right now there are many popular tarento who are widely believed to be homosexual, but who never "come out" because it is still considered unacceptable. Here is a comic who, based on available intelligence, is not in fact gay but pretends to be in the most exaggerated way. If they all appeared on the same show, would they cancel each other out or double the fun? Everybody say "Woooo!"

The Japan Times: July 17, 2005
----------------------------------------
Interesting stuff 'eh. He is fun to watch and I will try to tape some of the show for anyone interested in watching next time I come home.

For now...have a happy Christmas Season. And please stop writing Xmas. It just looks tacky. Thanks!

this has got to stop...

I can tell that the holiday season is in full swing back home...no one has posted a damn thing recently. Which also means that there is a good chance that no one will be reading this either.
Oh well. Enjoy your Turkey induced comas you sons-a...tis the season to be happy.
くそ！

I'm off to see the Buddha....the biggest Buddha in the world...

It was a lovely day in Amagasaki, Japan when myself and my little companion Noriko let out for the mighty and distant town of Nara. This lovely city is one of the oldest in Japan. It has been around for a long time and it saw many a happening...enough history already. It was a nice day and we took off early, must have been at least 11 am.
After about an hour on trains and the sort we arrived in the magical city. I had been told many a tale about this lovely place but didn't know what to expect..except for one thing: lots of deer and Buddhist temples. I had had a nightmare the night before about deers attacking us and taking our lunch boxes (or bento...it's just more fun to say; together now: ben-toe. Yeah!) So when we arrived I was extremely relieved to see that they had the mystical beasts under the control of ancient Buddhist monks. Like this fella.

Putting my fears to sleep like this hornless hunk of a beast I quickly donated my ¥10 and was soon blessed as to not be harmed by the mystical beasts.
Moving on, unmolested, my companion and I became one with the deer and soon found that they were rather fond of us. As can be seen in exhibits
A.
and B.
As we gently fed the deer and became a part of this ancient tradition...Nara by the way means "petting zoo" in Japanese. Interesting little tid bit wouldn't you say?
So we too got hungry, not the deer and I, but Noriko and I. So we say down in the city park and opened up our bentos and began to eat. It was lovely really. All around were people playing with these gentle beasts...and I eating my rice ball. Quite a way to spend a Saturday afternoon. All was well until the charm began to wear off (personally I think that the monk found out I really gave him a Chinese nickel...the value being far less then the recommended ¥10) and the deer attacked. Now I know that last week I alluded to the fact that some of the Monkeys in Minoh could be dangerous little thugs...but honestly, they couldn't hold a candle to these OG's. I tell ya what, I'm surprised Bambi turned out as well as he did after loosing his mother...because it definately seemed like these degenerates came from broken homes the way they attacked our table. First they took (and ate) or map so that we wouldn't know where the closest police station was, and then they tried to make a grab for our food. Now you all know me as a fun loving pacifist, but I tell ya what, I kicked the crap out of them deers...just kidding. I did however throw Norikos bento onto the ground, grabbed my own, and ran up a tree. That also is a joke.
So anyway the first deer (there were only two in the attack) came up on Noriko's right side and grabbed the map (diversion) while the one on her left tried to grab at her food. They of course didn't go for a thing near me...being as I am the closest embodiment of the Buddha that they have seen. So long story short, I grabbed the food and the girl and skeedaddled. We found another spot, set up camp, dried Noriko's tears (she was crying...they were pretty mean to her...head butting and all...no joke) and ate out lovely lunch.
After the meal and a little recon we felt that it was safe to move on.
After walking through the park we found ourselves at the gates of the mighty Todaiji Temple. This temple was built in 732 as a housing for the largest Buddha in the world (the Daibutsu). It is the largest all wood temple in these parts and again maybe the world. What you don't believe me with all of these "largest in the world" comments...well I will have you know I didn't have to duck all day.
Yeah whatever...look at it already.

It's pretty big 'eh?
The first thing that I saw, when walking through the main gates of the temple are these two huge mean looking guards. Now they had chicken wire like fencing protecting them...so the picture wasn't all that great, but inside the temple there were two more sculptures of the same scary guys...and they were also big. Probably made from the same cast...and one of them looked like this fella

cute isn't he.
More to come...have to go to class now.
Okay then, I'm back.
So anyway, there we were at the temple. We had escaped from the ravenous deer and found refuge in the company of the Diabutsuden, or really friggin' big Buddha. Now as much as I can gather this here Buddha is made to resemble of the reincarnations of the original Sidartha hisself. I am not sure what this Buddha's name is, but I do know that he is supposed to be the Buddha that will bring light to the world. Therefore the Buddha was made out of bronze from a cast that took three years to build and was then coated with gold. I did read a little story about the gold...when they first began to guild the big guy there was no gold in Japan, or moreover, no gold had been previously discovered in Japan. So all of it had to be imported from China and other nations abroad. This was frustrating. So they began a prayer a thon and lo and beholdith, gold was found in the north of Japan. Kinda interesting I thought.
So I bet that you are wondering what the big guy looks like...here, I'll give you a peak (but to be honest a little picture on my tiny blogger isn't really going to give you the full impression...you really should just come over here and visit me...)

After seeing the big guy we mosied around the temple and through the gift shop were be both decided that we didn't need any deer or buddha related materials...not even the bottle opener with one of the guards on it...which was tough to pass up, but I made Buddha proud and suppressed my desires.
After leaving the temple we wondered around the grounds of the park and related area. It really is a huge bit of land. We saw many more deer and they did get a little less harrassing after we left the temple...maybe the temple deer are like the dirty money changers that Jesus threw out and the deer outside of the enterance are more like you and me. Just a thought...but then again I don't think that even I am this cute.

Then we looked at more leaves. I know, I know, two weeks of trips to look at leaves? It's all about the aesthetics baby...speaking of, I think that my overalls make this picture more please. Example: My overall handsomness, overall aura, and overall pants. What do you think?

So as you that know me could imagine, I did become a little hungry as we walked and looked at all those leaves. So I began to think back to last week when I was in a similar situation. What did I do then? Well I took what nature offered me...sweet, sweet oak leaves. Now I know that some of you may think that I'm a monster, but I just couldn't help myself...or should I say I just couldn't not help myself to a mouthful of them tasty treats...

Now they weren't quite as good as the fried ones from the week prior, but they hit the spot. Also it wasn't all that awkward for me to eat 'em raw...after eating raw chicken, beef liver, horse, and all things aquatic the leaves felt rather normal. However as the day wore on I still felt hungry. Through a clearing in the woods we ran into a quaint little place
that offered us some tasty Zatsui...or at least I think that's what it's called. It was a sweetened red soy beans soup with a tasty little rice cake (not like in the states were it's dry and nasty without flavor or a heart, but more like pounded rice that becomes almost doughy and quite tasty). The dish and I looked like this (I hope that you like the pictures...sorry if there are too many of me...but honestly I know that so many of you miss me and so really it wouldn't be fair if I just didn't give you want you really wanted)

And as the night wore on we were chased from the park by the Deer who were out with flashlights looking for little children who had been separated from their parents for the evenings festivities.
The day was coming to an end.
As we rode the train back towards home we thought as to what else we could do...but instead sided with the immediate idea of sleeping on the train. Now I know that before I have been surprised at how easily the Japanese can sleep on trains, but now is the time for me to admit that they are wonderful to sleep on. I think that its the gentle rocking and the soft seat that has been warmed by so many of the people that came before me. The seats aren't like the Chicago "El" all cold and hard and crap, but they are instead upholstered with a fine fabric a lot like that of a Lutheran Church pew...you know, like a cattail...not like those hardwood Catholic pews.
So there we were sleeping and thinking as to what was next when I got hungry again. All of this heavy walking and running from deer made me hungry and some stinking leaves, beans, and mochi aren't going to fill up this stomach. Especially after all the viewing as well...Buddha, leaves, young women in uniforms, etc.
So we found our way to a nice little place where one of my students works. Its called something like "EE Nonde Kutte" Good Eat and Drink. The drink was a'ight but the food was talking to me.

Honestly, the little fishies looked up at me and said (this is a rough translation), "Hey La'do, you don' eat me I tell you where da man is who'sa gonna grantcha tree wishes." You'd think that he worked for Popeyes the way he talked. So I agreed and he told me and I ate him. Sucker...or was it salmon.
So I followed the directions and found the man I was looking for...he was a little tough to spot, but I thought that the bag stood out a little.
A think?

So I told him all about my run in with the fish and only said, "I hope ya ate the bastard. Ain't no one s'pposed ta know about me till after the Emperor's birthday." It was then that I realised that not only crazy cajun's and popeye poops talk like that, but anyone in the chicken biz. So Col. Claus continued, "I give ya three wishes. Whaddya want?"
So I thought for a minute and then said....
1 & 2 Gioza and Beer
and 3. A Drunken Yoda...I don't know if his speech problem is because he's Irish or because he's a drunk. Either way he's green and it fits. He kept going on all night about some new spoilers but I just told I didn't care and then by the end of the night it was pretty funny, he didn't have the force to make it to the bathroom.
Alright then...I'm tired. I hope that you enjoyed the picture post. I will be talking with you again sometime soon. Kudos!

aesthetically challenged

The theme of todays post is "aesthetics". This is one of those words that I came across in college and continued to use until I knew what it really meant. You see I thought that it was a great word for describing something beyond what we call "beauty", but then I just found out that it was a way of appreciating or interpretating beauty (but then again, maybe I still don't know exactly what it means and therefore and stopped using it because a. It's not what I really thought it was or b. I don't know what the hell it means). Anyway now that I have confessed my ignorance I am going to go about the rest of this post as though I didn't. Ignorance is bliss, and really all that I have at this point.
So now that November is here and soon you lucky bastards will all have a mouthful of turkey while I'm here sucking on chicken twisters (which honestly are quite delicious) I thought that I would do my best to make you slightly jealous of my lavish, yet turkeyless, existence. I shall begin with exhibit A: autumn leaf viewing. Now some of you may think, "well yes Danny boy, autumn leaves are quite nice, but I often only enjoy them from my couch or car window". Well my friends have I got a tradition to share with you: in Mother Russia...oh wait, in the Great Nihon they make an all day trip out of the event. And it isn't simply walking through a park on a nice sunny autumn noon, but it is a whole experience complete with vendors lining your path selling all kinds of crap! There are trinket stands, fall food stands, sausage stands, sweet potato stands, standing stands, you get the point. It was crazy. Honestly, I thought that it was just going to be a nice little walk in some mountainous area. But no. We had to deal with a lot of families and old folks. But all of the difficulties were all made up for when the monkeys arrived. Oh I'm not a talkin' about no British invasion or circus act, I'm talkin' about some real live monkeys just hangin' out...monkeys, hangin' out...always gets a giggle out of me. Back to the monkeys though. So they were just relaxin' in trees and eating little kids that wondered too far from the pack. It really felt like I had truly gone back to nature. Except for all the stands...but they were traditional stands, and Japanese tradition goes back like a lot longer then Caucasion tradition...so essentially I was going back to when my people were in the muck and poo of nature, it's just that this time I'm in a more developed part of the world. NO I'm not turning Japanese; just making a point.
So anyways, back to the monkees...everytime I go to Karaoke I have to sing "Day Dream Believer", no really, they make me or else they ask me to leave.
So anyways, back to the mokeys...my students told me that the mokeys out in Minoh (where I went, pronounced "Me-No") were pretty mean. Like beat you up and take your lunch kinda mean. Or at least take your lunch kinda mean. They also are quite advanced, or so I was told. This can be seen in their ability to purchase soda and tea (for other drink options see last post) from the vending machines (like I said, back to nature). However as of late they have not been able to use the vending machines due to the increase in charge from ¥100 to ¥120; their little monkey paws can't hold the three coins. The local UMWoJ (United Monkey Workers of Japan) as been in talks with the vending people in an attempt to gain some limited choices of ¥100 drinks, but to no avail.
So yeah, this last weekend I went out and looked at maple tree leaves and monkeys while surrounded by people half my size...honestly it felt I was on Monkey mountain now that I think about it....and in the end we came upon a wonderful waterfall. It honestly was very beautiful and it was nice to get out and see some seasonal wonders. I am sorry, but I don't have any pictures of the waterfall, my battery died in my camera before we got there. I do have this lovely shot.

You can see a bit of the waterfall through the trees. I hope to go back this winter and hopefully will see more monkeys and take more pictures so that your jealousy can be complete.
I just remembered that I was supposed to talk about aesthetics today. I also see that I have failed at this task. I think I can handle this by simply ignoring the fact once again.
So did I mention that they also happened to sell momiji-tempura on the road to this waterfall? I am sure that most of you are familiar with tempura? As someone from Rockford, Il. may inform you, "It's the name o'the batter that's on the shit you get at Happy Wok". Good! You guessed it. "Momiji" means Maple leaf...so yeah, put those together and what do you get? A snack fit for a fat kid at a carnival. Really, breaded and deep fried maple leaves...did I buy some? You bet your buttocks I did. "Were they delicious?" You may press, and in my best Socratic method I would reply, "Didn't I say they were deep fried?"
They look like this (with a bottle of Shochu, now an all season tradition in my home):


Well folks I grow tired. This weekend I am going to go to Nara to crank my neck some more in city parks while gazing at the wonderful fall colors. I will also be feeding and trying to ride some tame deer at Nara Park. I will charge the battery a little longer so that I can have more pictures for you next time...and possibly less words.
Take care and have a happy Thanksgiving...I hope that your center piece is aesthetically pleasing. Nothing worse then gorging yourself while having to stare at dead or dried flowers. Especially when they are in one of those ram's horn looking wicker things...why do I have the feeling I just offended a family member?

Got any Corn?

As the weather continually declines over here in ole Nippon I begin to find myself looking for new and interesting drinks to warm myself up with. No, I am not talking about alcohol, that stuff actually doesn't warm you up at all but instead can be more harmful in cold weather...however, hot toddies can be delightful!
Anyway, on with the strange drink selections.
So you see over here sodas, or pops, or whatever you want to call them, are not very popular. Now there are such things as coke and pepsi and diet colas, but there are not such things as mountain dew or sprite. There are however Japanese versions of non-colas such as Mitsuya cider (which tastes nothing like I thought cider was supposed to taste like).
To clarify: the drinks are not like the United States. No syrupy sodas and no flavorful combinations (if you need an example think about the many concoctions that Mountain Dew has thought up in the past few years).
This however does not leave the drinks to be unworthy of sampling; quite the opposite. I obviously can not always read the label so I am often surprised when I make such a purchase. It is fun and somewhat exciting and a great thing to do while waiting for a train.
Now most folks with half a brain would say that it's not too hard to determine if something is a tea (which makes up about 45% of the drink options), coffee (another gimmie really, and about another 45%), vitamin drinks (such as "1000 Lemons" which tastes nothing like lemon consentrate but more like...well I don't know, but lemon concentrate would just not be palatable...just think about the acidity of such a thing..not to mention the morning after factor. That would burn...reminds me of the one time I ate a whole pineapple...ouch) vitamin drinks also include the infamous "Genke" drinks (pronounced: gay-n-key; this being japanese for excited, or healthy, or happy...however in drink form this word means wired, or so I've been led to believe...they are pretty harmless and don't have the heart racing effect of red bull). Vitamin drinks about 4.5% and soda making up another 4.5%. So you may be asking yourself, "well Dan you cheeky little monkey, where's the other 1%?" Well my friends I don't really know if any my percentages are anywhere near correct, but I will say that if I had my way that last one percent would have to be given to the canned corn market share. Oh you read it right. From the country that loves to put corn in any and all ackward positions comes corn in a can...that you can buy out of a vending machine...warm as well...and not just *ching* 20 seconds in the microwave warm, but "ya gotta sip it so as ya don't burn your mouth" kinda warm.
Isn't that awesome?!?!
It's just like the creamed corn that mom used to cook (probably the repackeged surplus to be honest). It is tasty and definately a much needed treat for those standing on the cold train platform waiting for the ole 17:02 to Kyoto Express...whilst sick, either the bottle or the natural kind. It is delicious and I think that we need to press for more of these kind of things both at home and abroad. You want to spread happiness to all the little children of the world? Send 'em a can of Knorr's warmed (creamed) corn (soup)...don't know which it is supposed to be.
So in effect, it may only take up 1% of the vending machine possibilities...it makes up 100% of the warm and happy thoughts in this man's head as he waits for that train.
Soothes the throat too!

Now for today's picture...

Geez you'd think that I opened up an online deli with all that meat...but honestly, I'd rather leave that to the professional.
Well have a good one and I bid you ado.
Love you mom!

books, books the magical fruit...

So the other day I was thinking that my problem with this thing is that I always think too much. You know what I mean? Didn't think so. Okay, so my problem is that I always feel that I have to have something really interesting or deep to say (re: two posts ago) but then when I look at other peoples blogs I realize that the whole reason for the blog is just to put a little bit of yourself out there for mass consumption. When I first started this thing I had a lot to talk about, a whole new world if you will. But now that the luster has faded and I have assimilated I have not a word to say. So I shall now delve into my everyday life. However I will not be discussing my work life in this post, but moreover how I entertain myself over here; which is either through t.v./movies or through books.
Let's start with the t.v. thing.
So lately I have to admit that I have an addiction to 24. I never really watched the show in the states, but I have to admit that I would have if I knew what I know now. It is an amazing show. Although it's politics are a little right wing and a lot of the action is impossible (side note: if it were a regular movie then the impossibilities could be overlooked, but it is a show that prides itself for being shot in "real-time" which means that the actual time line is actual...ummm, don't know if that makes sense, but I'll stick with it and simply regard you ((the confused reader)) as a kind idiot). But after those two shortcomings I have to admit that I often find myself staying up too late yelling at the t.v. and cheering as Jack Bauer (played by Kieffer "I overcame Lost Boys and lets not mention Flatliners" Sutherland pulls off the amazing. Good stuff my friends and family.
Next we have The Sopranos. Now I don't really want to talk about this show, because we all know it, I'm just a late bloomer. But it's good. So check it out: the real reason that I like it is because it was the first .avi file that I discovered my new DVD player could play. Now let me explain. For my birthday some of my friends over here pitched in and bought me a new DVD player that plays all region DVD's as well as some computer files. The reason this is awesome: everyone and there brother (but me) can download tv shows onto their computer and burn copies, and now I can borrow this discs and watch them on my tv instead of tiny computer screen. I'm happy about it...see what happens when I disregard the idea of wanting to say important things on this here thingie, you get garbage about my DVD player (which is awesome) and tv shows that you have already seen...at least four years ago.

At this time I would like to move onto books:
Just read "Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons" by Kurt Vonnegut (sorry if the title is misspelled...I think that I mispelled misspelled there as well. I need an editor, Brian you got a job?...)
It was good. It was the second collection of his stuff that I have read while living over here. It has made me realize that I really would love to hear him speak publicly...at least twenty years ago when he was doing it more regularly. I saw him on the Daly Show and was a little disappointed, and then I realized how old he was and was able to forgive him.
If you have never read Kurt Vonnegut then I feel that you should get off of your lazy ass and pick up one of his books. And when you do do this you sloth of a person, be sure to take it with a grain of salt. He is a science fiction writer after all.
I have also been reading a lot of Haruki Murikami. He is Japanese and his books are strange at times. But he is a genius and I would have loved to read him outside of this country (I am trying to say that it isn't the fact that I am living here that makes his words poignant...he is just an amazing writer). I would suggest "The Wind Up Bird Chronicles" or "Kafka on the Shore" or "Hard Boiled Wonderland at the End of the Rainbow". Each was delightful.
Currently (as in I am on page two of the introduction) I am reading "A History of Twentieth Century Russia". Don't know why, but it's a happenin'.
I want to end this pointless post by simply asking: did I do okay? Would you like to read more of this kind of material? Because I am pretty sure that I could update just about everyday with this kind of crap. Really it wouldn't be a problem.
And I would also like to say that I am sorry to all of my high school and college professors: I know that it isn't fair that I sat in your classes year after year not having read the material while spewing out BS and now that you are done with me I'm reading so much. Would you like me to stop? Should I do that for you? Honestly though, sorry.

My Birthday and Takoyaki Party

So anyway...it was my birthday recently (as well as Jill Kruse's-Sept. 30, Kelly Cram's-Oct. 13, Paul Lynch's-Oct. 11, Noriko Tamashiro's-Oct. 9...and many more people I am sure). It was a nice day. I ate beef and sat about lazily; it was idealic almost. Nothing too loud and nothing too eventful. I am however looking forward to the coming influx of packages sent to me by family and friends...I know you all just can't resist sending me presents. Or at least that's what I'm thinking...
So yeah...birthdays. I can now say that I'm 24. Not that big of an achievement, but I'll be proud about it...someone has to.
I know she is...
or at least she was nice enough to fake it and buy me some cake. So that's that...enough about the birthday.

On to the takoyaki. Takoyaki is a lot like donut holes. But they aren't fried...and they aren't sweet. Okay, so they look like donut hole, but they are instead really little balls of dough stuffed with octopus, onions, cabbage, pickled ginger and various other crap. They are then cooked and coated with either "sauce" or with ponzu (a citrus/soy sauce). They are delicious.
In all honesty I just wanted to put some pictures up here. So enjoy the shots of Takoyaki related things...no actual picture of the finished products...sorry, just wasn't thinking about you at the time.
So here's some appetizing tako...

or octopus.

Next is a nice shot of a very appetizing cook...

I feel kinda strange putting up all these shots of Noriko, but she's around a bit and happens to fall into a few pictures. Enyway...you see that little single burner? Well that's called a kastakon, or something like that. It's a lot like a camping stove. But those things are used for a lot of cooking in the winter because most Japanese homes do not have central heating and therefore have to suffer by eating a lot of freshly cooked meals around the ole kastakon...there's also a special kinda table called a kotsu (or is that shoe? I don't know) anyway this table has a main heater/stove range thingie in the middle and then a blanket is sandwiched between two layers in the table. You then sit under the blanket with the heater in the middle and then you eat a nice long meal that's being freshly cooked as you roast your tootsies. Isn'it nice?

And the last shot for this little post is of a few fellahs who were just hangin' out breakin' legs.
Or at least you would think so with that kind of look on their faces. Really though they look like a couple of Yaks, or yakuza's. But they don't have the colorful suits and sunglasses on like that real thing. The one on the right is an old student of mine and is now a graduate student here at Eichi. The other fella is a friend of Yusuke. Good times had by us and them.

Hope you enjoy! I will be sure to post more later.
Unlike Brian Riggins.

A Vision of the World to Which We All Belong

Listen closely for time is of the essence.
Last night while I slept with bills for blankets a vision was bestowed upon me. It was of the end times and left we with tremors when I awoke.

Bright lights had enveloped me. I knew not what it was. Then a figure came to me, the face and features I know not, it was bright and I didn't have my glasses on. But the voice rang true and clear. The spirit said unto me, "be not afraid, for there is nothing that you can do". So I heeded the words and accepted the reality.
"Okay." I shouted over the bright lights piercing my eyes.
"I come with a great message and an honorable task to bestow upon thee".
"Okay", I once again shouted, this time however with an added shrug of the shoulders.
"The end is near and the pawns are all in place. Neither the exact hour, minute, or second is really known, but I do believe that it will be coming sometime this month, however things are kinda busy...ahem, as I was saying, the end is near. Some of those that are close to you and some that are far away are going to be swept up like children's teeth under a pillow.
The world around you is changing and the rapture will soon devour the righteous and leave only the wicked and wretched to rule the world. However have no fear for the world that you know will not be changed. Television programming, both secular and religious, will not change. Politicians will still make pointless speeches and time will tread on. Those that are to be taken will be few and far between. But that's besides the point. It's going to happen and for the most part, you won't know.
However your job is to lead those that are left out of the dark and into the light."

A "Huh?" was all that I could muster, I was still worried about the t.v. programming. I knew that he had mentioned it, but wasn't sure what he was really trying to point out.

He repeated, "you will be the leader of the masses throughout the entire seven years of tribulation. However, it's not really our job to give you post or anything like that. You're just supposed to lead; however you do it is up to you. Personally I gotta tell you that we got a little pool going as to how you are going to pull it off. Anne Frank thinks it's going to be a marionette show in the classical style and Billy Graham thinks it'll be revivals. I keep tellin' 'em it's not going to be anything like that. I think your just going to fail. I could be wrong though..."
"I'm sorry", regaining my composure,"but what the hell, oh can I say that?"
"Not like you're going up in the first wave, say what you want".
"Okay. I still don't know what you are talking about. I mean, I remember some of the talk of the 'end of days' in bible camp, but I never really payed attention. So I'm not sure what to make of this dream".
"Oh this is no dream", the spirit firmly stated, "this is your calling, this is your job, your purpose. You are nothing and we are expecting you to be something".
"Well what is it that I am going to be fighting against? What is it that I am supposed to stop. Life is...moving for me. I mean, I'm not happy, but I'm not suffering. I'm doing alright".
"Do you not look around? Have you not seen the world that you are allowing to revolve around you? You think that it's 'alright'? You think that you aren't 'suffering'? My friend apathy has made you blind. You are happy with ignorance and you are content with nothingness. When you were a child you dreamed of great things and now you are content to watch it all wash away around you. You have nothing and you are alright with that. You sit by and wait and watch as your world is driven further and further away from it's proper course, which by the way, no one knows any more or much less even cares. This isn't even a pious or religous message, we've given up on those foundations a long time ago, at least since those that were to lay them lost the blueprints and just started winging it..."
He trailed off with a look of exhaustion and dispair. Rightly so, he could see that I just didn't get it and could probably somehow tell that I only wanted to get back to my dreams, the regular type, you know those that you forget twenty minutes after you make them.
"If you can't understand my words then perhaps you can understand my message through your own eyes".
He then reached out and gently touched my head pushing it firmly onto my pillow. The vision slowly creapt into my eyes. At first it was light, then suddenly dark. I saw a the ground as a bird sees. As I slowly came across the crowds below I could see the looks of pain on their faces as they marched in a line some dressed in nothing but ragged dress shirts and stripped ties. Dockers wrinkled and worn as they trod shoeless in the mud. It was straight out of a medevil painting; I could hear the gnashing of teeth, or at least a million voices crying out "hello" into their cell phones. In the middle of the line I could see the figure of Allan Greenspan lashing out aimlessly among the crowd with his cat of nine tales telling the people to get in line and accept the mortgages that lie before them.
"Nothing you can do but join the ranks of the lower classes", I heard him growl out, "You thought that with a home and land came freedom and control, well you were wrong. We have placed the lenders high in our ranks and have backed their increasing interest rates and predatory ways, I hope that you enjoyed that free cap Timmy and your free apron Mrs. Wilson. The road to slavery is payed with innocent gifts and 0% for a year...after you are ours you don't think, you just do. Monthly minimums paid are your churchs and the truth is our work week; only one way out and we have taken that away as well. Only thing left is to increase the divide and join those that have already been forsaken and shamed into the lower class. There is nothing that I cannot change and nothing that we cannot take away. Death is your only release and health care is improving. So expect to feel my presence for the rest of your days".
It struck me as odd at the time as well; he always appeared to be so sweet and kind. It looked as though everytime he raised the interest rate on t.v. that he almost felt bad about it but that there was just nothing that he could do. However now that i think about it I did one time notice one of those hand-grip balls in his palm. Strengthing the ole grip I imagine.
Moving on we ascended upon a public crowd gathered to hear the vice president speak, it was brief but he was moving about in his natural ways, hiding nothing and caring about less. I caught the end of his speech and it was time for questions and answers. Someone made the mistake of lofting a soft inquisition into Cheney's business dealings when the increasingly fat cat bloated out a "shut the fuck up. What do you know? That's just perposturous. I don't even know what you are getting at but I can tell you that the companies I deal with are nothing up upstanding and righteous. They are working to help the 'people', yes, just the common stupid people. If it wasn't for their kindness people like you couldn't even buy soap to wash the filth off of yourself. You wouldn't be able to survive if we weren't working in foreign countries. Everyone acts as though my contacts and my favoring of certain corporations is wrong. Well I don't know any better and as far as I'm concerned it's right. My God says it's right and you can't touch him. Only I know my God and he favors my business's; we are blessed to have me in office and blessed that I can work as a middle men. What do they do? Well I don't know. That's not for me to decide. I'm just a vessel between what's right and what's good".
It was at this time that he moved on waving off the heap of reporters and viewers. He was carried off by a silent mob, as Dick doesn't like loud crowds, he finds them unnecesary and disrubtive to his heart.
The last stop that we were to make was next to a construction camp. It was filled with ragged workers barely fed and some wearing nearly nothing. I noticed a sign that read "Lower Mississippi Reclamation Project". It was at this time that I saw a much stronger and better dressed man begin to yell and point and order the others about.
"That is Michael Chertoff, he is the foreman of the project", the spirit quietly wispered.
In the background I could see masses of individuals working on what appeared to be a circular base covering miles of ground.
"It will be his greatest legacy", the spirit stated, shaking his head in a style of disbelief.
"If only he could understand that it won't end her. If only he could understand..." while he hung his head we continued to get closer to the building sight. It was at this time that I saw a large creature who seemed to have one body but three heads; each with it's own fine clumb of thin, greying hair which has been parted to one side.
In disbelief I began to say, "is that who, who I think..."
"It is. he no longer has a reason to hide what was inside; as this is a glimpse of the future those that would care have been taken, the rest simply follow and marvel. Although they are made to do his work some still believe that he is like them, that he understands them. They are building a tower to the sky".
As I looked at this seemingly fictious character I listen to what it is that he is shouting to the masses. Each of his three mouths are moving and a massive chorus of charm and simplicity is broadcast out onto the crowd. They listen, content and moving about their job. Those that look up, stop, or give any notion of anything but total faith are quickly taken care of by Chertoff's aides.
The message is a mixed one of spirituality, reverence, preservation, and supremacy. It is somewhat overt, but thinly hidden by pleasantries in the manor of speaking and within it's context. Who doesn't want to survive and live a charmed life like the one these people are existing in? What do they really know. No looking up here, no seeing the true beast that is telling you the lies. If they are even lies. Who knows? No ones looking that's for sure.
As we drift farther and farther away from the scene and from the earth that I am soon to inherit I hear these final words,
"This tower will bring us closer to our purpose as not only American's but as human beings. From this we can see those that wish to hurt us while becoming closer to the one that has blessed this land. Although some of us will not live I will make sure that the job is done. This tower shall be occupied at all times by at least a few fellas with binoculars and shotguns. The lives of those that were lost in it's contruction will be forgotten and the glory of this thing shall live on. Your lives are not important in the whole scheme, what's important is what is left behind to those that can properly use the thing to it's real potential...." it carried on, but sadly enough I was carried away.

When I awoke I wiped the sweat from my brow and sat up wondering if it was all true. I didn't know what to think. After slipping in and out of snooze periods I finally got up and decided that it was nothing.
Sitting down to coffee and the morning news I realized it was all true.
"...speculations remain high, Greenspan to raise interest rates...in unrelated news actor Tom Selleck mysteriously vanishes..."
That guy could never do wrong.

this horrible story of the apocolypse is brought to you through the partnership of: Iowa Student Loans and Citicards, with additional frustration from the Yen losing ground over the US Dollar.